Say Goodbye
by Sphere's Delight
Summary: *SLASH* It's the sequel to Don't Look Back, in which Harry reflects upon his life outside of Hogwarts, and he tries to cope with the past. and what Draco really felt...


Say Goodbye

By Sphere's Delight

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, those belong to J. K. Rowling. Thanks for not bringing lawsuit. On with the story!! (I also don't own the little statement at the bottom).

Sometimes I wake up at night, my pillow soaked with tears. It's been over a year since you died, since I saw that final flash of green light, erasing you from my future. I don't even know what you felt for me, if it was real, if you had only said you loved me to make me stay, to save me from the big bad monster you couldn't escape. I won't ever know, because you're gone forever, and I lie in bed with Ron, who I don't really love anymore, but I stay with to keep myself from falling into the pits of loneliness.

Sometimes I go for walks, and I wander through the streets of Hogsmeade, passing shops where happy people can buy things for those they care about. I can lose myself in thought, wandering these streets, I can think about the things that could have been if you had run with me, if you hadn't tried to be valiant, if you hadn't tried to hold him off, and save me. We might have gotten a house, and lived there until time ran out, but you were stupid and brave, and you played the hero that I never wanted you to be, and now I can never make dreams of life with you real. You're gone.

Tonight, I won't walk down the streets, and I won't just lie in bed, wishing it was you and not Ron that lies next to me. Tonight, I will return to the scene of where I last saw you, where you gave me the words that I'll never forget. Your voice, telling me not to look back, it haunts my dreams. I can't escape it now, and I doubt that I'll ever be free from your silken tones screaming that I run. I can't forget that night or that morning, and I can't remember each touch as well as I'd like to. I only have an aching heart, and each time Ron caresses my cheek or kisses my lips, I imagine it's you, and that I'd never told him my lies of love. I wish…

When I leave Ron's bed, Ron's, because without you, no bed will never be mine, I see Ron sleeping contentedly, not knowing that the little niche we've carved for ourselves is a lie. I don't care, though, because you are all that matters. We were given a time, and now that time we shared is over, never to be returned to us. If we'd used it more wisely, I might know if you'd ever loved me, if I was something that mattered to you. Now, though, everything that I could care about in my life is a mystery. I'll never know, and you'll never be here again, to make it matter. I'm alone, and I'll always be alone from now on.

You saw me turn and run, I'm sure, and you must have known I'd wanted to stop and run back to you, and you wouldn't let me, Draco. You wouldn't let me, and now it's over. It was perfect, it was meant to be, and now it never will exist. No one knows, and no one has cared to ask. I wonder if anyone has found your body. The clearing draws into sight, that clearing where I touched your pale skin for the first and last times, where you gave me the only times in my life that mattered. No one will ever know I was here tonight, and I will never come back. I'm here this one night, for closure, to know that you'll never be back, to see the place where my dreams have been layed to rest.

Your body lies pale in the moonlight, and I can feel everything that happened rushing over me. I can see that first kiss, I can feel my heart pounding in my throat as I run from this place, and I can hear your last words, echoing not in my head, but throughout the clearing. You're here, as if only for me to see. Maybe that's the way it is, you've been preserved for my memories of the only thing that's ever felt truly right.

Your hair isn't messy or smudged with dirt, instead it gleams perfect in the moonlight, as if just done up by a professional. When I touch it, it feels soft and feathery, and I remember how my hands raked desperately through it as I cried out in ecstasy. Your skin is cold to the touch, but it doesn't show signs of weathering, here in this clearing, though it has been through rain and sun. It should have started to decay, but you seem almost alive when I caress your cheek.

I hate you so much right now, as I see that you're really gone, and no matter how hard I try, you'll never come back, and that I'll always be alone. I hate you for leaving me here alone, wondering if I'll ever recover from your sacrifice. I hate you for being such a hero, when nobody will ever know what a wonderful person you were underneath the mask, for not being able to kiss me again. I hate you for showing me how much I loved you, and for allowing me to doubt my affection for Ron. I hate you because I love you, and I want you back so much.

I kiss your lips, and they're too cold, not warm like the night that I discovered how I really felt. They're like ice to me, and I know that you'll never come back, and these lips tell me. These cold lips, which won't ever kiss me back. They, like the rest of your body, have lost their life. I love you…

Why did I tell Ron that I loved him, when I was doubting everything so much? It was a stupid thing to do, really, when I'd just spent the most amazing night of my life with you. I should never have taken his hand, that night when he'd said he felt the same way, and I feel like I've betrayed you, now. I love you…

I didn't try hard enough. I wish I'd died with you, that night, instead of running away and leaving you to fend for yourself. I should have grabbed your hand and pulled you along with me, because then you'd be here with me today, and I wouldn't be sobbing on your chest that doesn't rise and fall with breath. I was so stupid, and I've failed you in everything. You told me not to look back, and here I am, bawling like a baby on your chest. I've made so many mistakes, but… I love you…

I know what I have to do. It's the hardest thing that you've asked of me, so far, but it's what you would have wanted. I pull out my wand slowly, and point it at your body. It's time to say goodbye…

"_Incendi,"_ I whisper, and flames shoot from the tip of my wand to engulf your body. The clearing looks itself afire, with all the orange light that dances across the grassy ground. I wish there was a way for me to restore your heartbeat, for laughs to echo from your mouth once more, but there isn't. I've put this off for too long. "I love you," I whisper, and the words echo throughout the clearing with finality. I've done it. "Goodbye."

Before the blaze has even finished, I turn away, heading back to the castle and the bed I share with Ron. I'll be tired tomorrow, but I'll feel so much freer than I have before. I can move on with my life once more.

Ron's awake when I get back, and I can tell by his eyes that he's concerned. Instead of the guilt I would have felt last night, I feel warm inside, because Ron cares about me. 

"Where have you been?" he demands. He tries to sound angry, but he can't, because he's relieved that I'm home.

"I've been to say goodbye," I whisper. Ron doesn't ask any more questions, he just understands and pulls me down onto the bed. I love him, I guess. I will always love you, Draco, but it's past time for me to say goodbye.

Final Disclaimer:

The disclaimer of a very, very wise slash writer once read something like: Writers of Het fics don't warn you when there's het romance ahead. I don't have to warn you about slash. So, now that you're done with this first portion, flames concerning the sexual nature of this fic are not appreciated. 


End file.
